A Lover's Wish Read online

  and lifted her head to look at the man in the black suit that sat across from her. “Here,” she spoke weakly.

  The man reached out and tried taking the cheque.

  Kianna’s fingers were frozen against it. “Ms. Sanderson, you have to let it go.”

  “Yeah,” she whispered and her fingers released the piece of paper. As the meeting progressed, Kianna signed all the necessary papers, then stood, shook his hand again. Thanking him, she turned and left the funeral home. She walked by the secretary’s desk without as much as a smile. Shoving out the double doors, Kianna quickly slid on her sunglasses. The tears broke their borders and toppled down he cheeks then. She let them have their way because soon she would be in the privacy of her car.

  But they were only silent tears as she climbed into her ten-year-old car and sped off toward her small house near the Rogue. She didn’t turn the radio on or even the air conditioner. She had to get home quickly. Her fingers tightened against the steering wheel until her knuckles were a strange, pale brown colour. Her back wasn’t even touching the back of her seat. Her foot was on the gas and she was going. Getting home then wasn’t in any fashion of following directions, but by automation.

  When she finally burst through her front door, she slammed it shut behind her, slid the dead bolt and the chain in place and dropped her purse and keys to the ground. Stumbling into the living room like a zombie, she sat down slowly against the edge of her sofa. Removing her sunglasses, it slipped from her fingers against the floor and she didn’t care.

  Doubling over, Kianna buried her face into her hands as her control disappeared. She sobbed. Her body shook violently. She cried not only for herself, because of everything then. She cried for the loss of her mother to the hand of nature. She cried for her father’s utter stupidity in killing himself. But most importantly, she cried because she was alone and her dreams were gone. She had nothing left.

  Kianna cried until she was literally out of tears. Her throat burnt, her eyes stung and her ribs hurt from heaving. When that happened, she stopped sobbing, dried her eyes with the back of her hands and stood. Walking up the stairs of her small house, she stripped down, turned on the shower and sat in the tub beneath the downpour of water.

  It was four long days later and it seemed as though every last person from her mother’s church and her father’s workplace were at her house. Her friend, Jace, had helped her because

  Kianna’s hands were shaking too hard to do much of anything on her own that day. She was dressed in a long black dress with her short hair gelled down neatly. Her stocking clad legs carried her through the room, greeting people, accepting their deepest condolences for the loss of her dear, dear mother and her poor father.

  Some of the people, Kianna knew were there to eat the food because she’d never met them before. Still, she stapled a smile to her face and continued with her head held high. But it was really hard. Someone had just spilled juice on the sofa and before that, she tried to rest her feet only to sit in what looked to be salsa on a chair. They were really starting to irritate the hell out of her. Kianna turned to pick up another tray.

  “We’re out of chicken fingers,” Jace MacBride whispered. “I’m gonna run down to the corner store and pick some up.”

  “Don’t leave me alone with these people!” Kianna whispered fiercely. “If we’re out of chicken fingers, then we’re out. They’ll just have to eat something else or get the hell out.”

  “The store is just around the corner and I’m driving so I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone,” Jace arched a brow.

  “I’m serious, Jace. I think I’m about ready to snap and we both know it won’t be pretty.”

  “You know you’re overreacting, right?”

  Kianna wagged a finger at her best friend and was about to say something when her name was called. Inhaling deeply, she found the smile from somewhere deep, placed it on her face and turned around. It was Mrs. Jackson, the pastor’s wife.

  “What time is the funeral?” the woman questioned with the hat that looked ridiculously too big to fit her head.

  Kianna wanted to whack her with something. How could you be the pastor’s wife, be the pastor’s secretary and not know when he’s supposed to be presiding over a funeral? Kianna turned to Jace and whispered, “Still think I’m overreacting?” Kianna’s smile did not waver when she turned back to the older woman, “I believe it is at ten in the morning.”

  “Ten in the morning? Why that ungodly hour? Do you know what the traffic will be like in this forsaken city? And besides, on Saturdays I am not awake before eleven. Who picked that time?”

  Kianna’s smile faltered and she growled, “Look, you lazy—”

  “It was the best time the funeral home could come up with,” Jace stepped in.

  Kianna’s plastic smile was back the moment Mrs. Jackson looked to Jace, then back to Kianna. Excusing herself, she placed her tray down. If she didn’t get out now, she was going to say something she would regret later. The thought

  that those people were her parent’s friends and not hers and she couldn’t care less what they thought flashed through her mind. But in order to save her partial sanity, she turned. She was making a beeline for the stairs to hide herself in her bedroom when the pastor himself stepped into her path. She wasn’t ready to hear one of his infamous lectures about God’s will be done and she was sure if he started one, she would haul off and kick his butt to Albuquerque.

  “Sister Sanderson,” Pastor Jackson began.

  “Is dead. My name is Kianna,” she spoke insolently.

  “Very well, Kianna. I am truly sorry for your loss. I know it is hard now because you loved your parents like any good daughter should. But you have to understand that this is God’s will.”

  “With all due respect, Pastor, if you believe that my mother’s stroke was God’s will, then alright, I’ll give you that one. But I sure as hell don’t think that it was God’s will that my father took a .45 to his own damn head!” Shoving roughly by him, she heard someone gasp, but didn’t give a flying fig if she had offended anyone.

  Climbing the stairs, she locked herself in the bedroom and stared out the window. She was breathing harder than normal—her anger had seeped through her veins, flowed throughout her body and left her panting. Closing her eyes for a

  brief moment, she reeled in her temper and leaned heavily against the wall.

  The sun dying over Dillon Hall was the most beautiful thing in the early November sun. There were splotches of purples, oranges and yellows in the sky. The cool air flowing through the open window kissed and caressed her skin. She tried to take some comfort in it, but all she could think of was the sight of her father slumped over the steering wheel of his car. Kianna whimpered weakly while shaking her head to clear the images. Had he even stopped to think that this daughter, his only baby, would find him like that? Had he thought of what kind if mental issues she would have after witnessing her father dead like that? Whenever she closed her eyes, she could still see it. In fact, she could see him walking toward the car with the gun in his hands. Then he would climb into the car, close and lock the door, inhale deeply before lifting the gun to his head.

  Bang!

  She dipped to hide with a gasp. When she realized it was all in her head, Kianna started laughing. Her own mirth sounded alien to her very ears, but she continued laughing. It was one of those instances to her that if she didn’t laugh, she would go insane.

  She finally stood again and leaned against the window frame. Staring out desperately, she

  inhaled deeply. She needed a salvation, a saving grace and she was praying that she would see it out the window. Instead, she was taken in by the beauty of the old mansion across the way.

  The vines attached to the outside of Dillon Hall had leaves of all colours—reds, oranges, yellows and browns. She tilted her head and marvelled at the way such simple things in life could take someone’s mind off the worse things in life. She allowed herself to be take
n away, to a world where she was not in pain, a world where she wasn’t conflicted. She could hear the waves of an ocean crashing against rocks and from somewhere in the distance, a foghorn blared. Birds flew overhead, singing their beautiful songs. In this peaceful place that Kianna had managed to pull herself, she was laying beneath the eyes of heaven with the sun kissing her face. In this place, she was untouchable, invincible and loved.

  But sadly that peace was not to last as the door opened behind her and Jace called her name. Kianna didn’t turn away from the view before her. “Kianna, the guests are leaving,” Jace whispered. “I thought maybe you would like to

  come and thank them for coming?”

  “No,” Kianna spoke defiantly. “I am tired of them. Let them all leave.” There was a slight silence and Kianna thought that Jace had left.

  Turning around, she saw that Jace was still there, watching her, “What?”

  “After they leave, you and I need to sit down and have a little talk.”

  Kianna turned back to the window. She watched as one by one, her street cleared of her visitors’ cars. She could only imagine the mess they had left behind for her to clean up later. A frown creased her lips and that frown only got deeper when her door opened again and she heard her bed creak from Jace flopping down on it.

  “Alright, so let’s talk,” Jace breathed.

  Kianna stood at her window, her place of invincibility and thought about it. She thought of where to begin with what she was wanting, thinking, feeling. But no matter what she thought about or how she thought about it, it didn’t seem like a very appropriate place to start. “Where do I start?”

  “At the beginning,” Jace replied.

  “If I wanted Kung-Fu confusion, I would watch an episode of the Legend of Kung-Fu,” Kianna snapped.

  “Look, there’s no need to bite my head off! I’m just trying to help you put things into perspective. First of all, where’d you get twenty thousand dollars? Even though I thought he was ripping you off.”

  “Don’t start with the rip off thing again.” Kianna sighed and moved to sit down beside Jace on the bed. She didn’t meet her friend’s eyes because she felt as though she had done something horribly wrong.

  “I know. But ain’t no one paying that much money to bury two people.”

  “Jace…” Kianna’s exasperation was showing.

  “I know—I know! Anyway—wait a minute. Did you use your mortgage savings?” Jace flew into sitting position. “Kianna?”

  “No.”

  “Then where did you get twenty thousand—oh hell no! Tell me you didn’t.”

  Kianna got up again. Suddenly it was as though her bed was on fire and she couldn’t be anywhere near it. It scorched her.

  “Kiki?”

  “Jace, don’t make this harder, please,” Kianna pleaded. She wrapped her arms around herself as she felt tears welling up again. “I just…”

  “How could you do that though?”

  “It wasn’t like I had any other choice! They died and left nothing but the house. A house can’t pay for their funeral. The funeral home wanted their money—and they wanted it now. All those years they’ve been working, they didn’t save a penny! They hadn’t had a child to take care of for twelve years and they had nothing saved! I didn’t want

  them to have a pauper’s funeral—I couldn’t live with myself.”

  “It’s all gone?” Jace’s voice trembled.

  Kianna shrugged while turning to face Jace. “Yep,” she managed before the tears went tumbling down her cheeks. “All gone—” That last phrase sounded like a small child who had just thrown something out that her parents wanted to keep. She felt feeble, weak almost pathetic. Jace’s arms were around her and the next thing she knew, Kianna let her forehead fall against her friend’s shoulder. She didn’t sob like she had earlier because she couldn’t. She had nothing left within her.

  “There has to be a way to get it all back,” Jace whispered while pressing a kiss to Kianna’s head. “There has to be.”

  “It’s going to take too long. I work minimum wage now and I actually have to take care of a house and a car now. I have bills to pay. I can’t afford to scrimp on those. That money had taken me years to stash away. There is no way I can save that much again.” Kianna pushed air out her mouth and stood away from her friend. “No. I have to face the facts that some dreams aren’t worth it and just move on. It blows baby chunks, but what can you really do about it? Huh? Nothing. You can sit there and sob all the time and drive yourself nuts or you can just shrug and walk

  away. So I’m going to get a glass of wine, take a bath and crawl into bed. Tomorrow is a whole other disappointment and I can’t wait to see which one it’s going to be.”

  “The funeral?”

  “I doubt it,” Kianna spoke, wrinkling her brow. “They’d better do a good job, especially since I paid so much money. I’ll be mad as hell otherwise.”

  “I’m not going to say anything to that. You know how I feel about it,” Jace chuckled at that and turned for the door. “You get in the bath and I’ll get you a glass of wine.”

  “No, we should clean up first.” Jace didn’t argue.

  Kianna was happy for that. The truth was, Kianna needed something to keep her mind and hands busy. If she was too busy to think, this whole thing would just be one big blur to her and she could tire herself out faster. That way when she finally fell asleep that night, she would be too tired to even dream. That was how she liked her life since her parents had died—a blank slate.

  Silently, the two worked stuffing paper plates into large, black garbage bags. Then they crushed Styrofoam cups, emptied uneaten food into bags and dumped half-empty cups into the sink. Afterward, while Jace washed the serving trays, bowls and plates, Kianna took disinfectant wipes

  to the living room—anywhere someone might have placed a cup or a plate or even their bum. At one point someone, had taken it upon themselves to sit on her dinning table, which had left her fuming. Giving that spot an extra dose of pine disinfectant, she dumped the used wipes into the garbage and proceeded into the kitchen to help Jace with the washing.

  “Hey! I got an idea!” Jace flailed happily.

  Her outburst scared the crap out of Kianna. The glass she held slipped and smashed to the floor. Kianna moaned.

  “Ugh! Sorry Kiki.” “What idea did you get?”

  “You could sell your parent’s house!” Jace explained. “I mean you have your own house, you don’t need two, right? It would cut down on the bills and the going back and forth—it would help. Maybe use that money to go to China like you always wanted to.”

  Kianna pressed her back against the counter. She crossed her arms over her chest and thought about what Jace had suggested. A strange feeling flowed through her. “Ain’t nobody wants to live in a house where a man and his wife died. There is something about that house—something strange.” “That’s what you think.” Jace frowned. “In this economic down turn, people want a good deal on houses—especially since many of them are

  looking to start over. How much did your parents pay for the house?”

  Kianna shrugged. “No clue. I guess I can dig through their papers and find out. I do know they paid off the mortgage years ago. And it would be good to not have to worry about the upkeep on it.” She sighed and fell silent.

  “Well, you could get a job, something that pays a lot,” Jace sighed.

  Again Kianna sighed. It was late into the night, bordering midnight, when the two friends slumped onto the living room sofa with a glass of cheap, red wine in one hand and cookies in the other. With their backs pressed into the sofa, they sat there silently, sipping from their glass and watching the moon outside the window.

  “Do you ever stop to think that maybe, your father could never live without your mother?” Jace questioned out of the blue. “I mean, think about it. He’s known her ever since high school. They’d dated for five years, then got married. The two of them have been together for what? Th
irty-five years in total?”

  “No, about forty-one, forty-two,” Kianna corrected. “They started dating, then broke up, which, by the way, lasted for like a minute and went back to being friends, then dated again. Second time was the charm I guess.”

  “That’s my point,” Jace whispered. “They had to have loved each other very much to have stayed together for so long.”

  “There’s no such thing,” Kianna blurted before sitting up and draining her glass. “No one can love another person that much.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because that’s something fairy tales are made of and I was taught a long time ago that fairy tales weren’t real.”

  “Just because your brother was a prick, doesn’t mean you have to believe everything he said,” Jace countered.

  Kianna rubbed her tired eyes and exhaled. “Look,” Jace continued. “All I’m saying is

  maybe after so many years, your father couldn’t see himself waking up every morning, reaching over for her and her not there. Maybe that was harder for him to think about than death.”

  Kianna remained silent.

  “There are worse things in this life than death, Kiki,” Jace added. “Maybe being alone, after loving and being with someone for so long was the one thing in your dad’s life that was worse than death, you know?”